I hit publish.

A version of this post has been in draft for quite a while now, yet for some reason today?  I hit publish. 

And I’m nervous.

Yesterday’s quick link up post got me thinking a little bit...

I love blogging.  I love reading blogs.   I love my friends I haven’t met yet.

See, when reading a blog, you get to step through a stranger’s front door.  You get to see a glimpse of someone else’s life. 

And as the one writing the blog, I pick + choose what I write, share + publish.  True?

I can choose to show you the living room on the rare occasion it’s picked up + clean.

I could reveal my laundry space, moving what needs to be put away, to a new spot, so y’all think I’ve got it all together.

I can also choose to share certain things about myself, and typically, I choose the easy stuff:

• I’ve never dyed my hair.
• I like running.
• I happen to knit.
• I love my husband.
• My daughter is awesome.

Easy. Peasy.

Sharing stuff that makes me vulnerable? No thank you.  Not unless I’m forced to.

But there has been this tugging recently that I can’t shake.  I’ve ignored it.  I’ve blamed being sick.  I wrote posts + kept them in drafts.

See, it’s been an interesting season for us.  As I shared about a few days ago, we’ve been busy.  Oh. So. Busy.  But God has also really been blessing this little family of ours.  In areas that we’ve been praying about + some areas that have completely caught us off guard.

No.  Life isn’t perfect.  Not in the least bit.

But I really struggle with blessings. 

I do.  You see, I see all of me.  I see the yuck.  I see the stuff in me that I hate.  I see what I want to change + where I want to improve.

I don’t deserve the blessings.  None of them. 
*deep breath*
One fact that many of you don’t know is that I sing.  I know, not really a scary fact, and it’s something a lot of us do: in the shower, in the car, to children’s songs all day long.  It’s actually singing that landed me out in Pittsburgh–a crazy story for another time.  That being said, I not a huge fan of being put on the spot.  And honestly? If I could lead worship with a wig, so that no one knew who I was walking around…I think I’d be more comfortable that way.  Or even singing from behind a curtain? off stage? or is that a little too Wizard-Of-Oz-y?

I want to reflect the praise to Him, not absorb it for me.  

All I want to do is use this little voice of mine for Him.  For His glory, as He is the one who gave it to me in the first place.  But usually I let my fear + insecurities get the best of me.  Those lies that tell me ”you’re not good enough.” “You don’t have it together.”  ”You’re better off if you just keep that behind closed doors.”

But what does that have to do with blessing?  + not feeling worthy? 

Will your grace run out?

{Leslie Jordan + David Leonard, Brokenness Aside, by All Sons and Daughters}

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

You are His child.

And His grace never runs out. 

I needed to remind you of that, because I needed to be reminded of it too.