I am weak. that is okay

by kacia on 30 Nov ’12 · 33 comments

It’s the day that the pin drops, but it sounds like a cymbal.

It’s the day that blessings come, but the mess is a distraction.

It’s the day of scratching and straining: desiring more affirmation, yet knowing when it is spoken
the truth is heard, but the lies are the ones sinking in.

It’s the day you wish tears were valuable–because you’d save them all.
You’d buy something pretty.

Use pretty as a bandaid, the cup of coffee: use it to keep going.

It’s the day you feel as though you’re an observer…
watching your choice of action…
hearing yourself say those words…

shaking your head all the while.

It’s the day that the grass looks greener elsewhere.
Even covered in snow: you are confident the green is greener hiding underneath.

It’s the day the mess looks like a mountain; the to-do list, a novel.
Everything just stares you in the face: challenging you.

Daring you to try.

It’s the day you want a do-over.
It’s the day you want to try again.
It’s the day you want to take it all back.

It’s the day you see joy, but it hurts to smile.

It’s the day that doesn’t make sense.

It’s nothing more than the every day, it just feels heavier.

It’s the words you promised yourself didn’t hurt.
But the scabs fell off.  They are bleeding.

The insecurities you hear from others begin to well up in you.

The day that makes you stop.

The day that makes you ask

“What needs to change?”

The day that I see once again my perfectionism rearing its ugly head.

Seeing my arms getting stronger because I’m desperately muscling through.

Cleaning house.

Making the mess go away.

Fixing and straightening and dusting and washing.

It works for a while.

The day.  That day.

The day when I see that my muscle isn’t enough.  And the muscling isn’t needed.

I come to this place again and again.

A place of just plopping the mess down before Him and letting the tears fall.

A place of knowing I am weak–and that is okay–because He is strong.

{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

Nadine S. November 30, 2012 at 11:51 pm

So you wanted to type out how I feel everyday lately? I’m not very good at surrender. I just wanna be strong enough. Pray for me sister? I’ll pray for you right back. Love.

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 10:13 pm

saying a prayer for you, sweet Nadine!

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Nadine S. December 4, 2012 at 11:07 pm

thanks. xoxo

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Jacquelynn November 30, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Wow. Thank you for that post. You. Are. Awesome.

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 10:20 pm

I am really so not!! just couldn’t get these words out of my head as I was driving home… i’m so happy God used them!

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Katie November 30, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Oh my you have done it again. Yes. The ish that is piled on my shoulders and my heart? That is my own doing. I piled that in the wrong place. It goes at God’s feet.

Thank you for putting words to this. Praying.

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 10:42 pm

:) Love you so much, Kate

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Kymberly Janelle December 1, 2012 at 12:01 am

Beautifully written. Such a good reminder :)

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Thank you, Kymberly! I think it’s one I”ll be going to be ready – I need to be reminded over and over.

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Keren Galis December 1, 2012 at 12:10 am

Beautiful! I have those days so often. Too often! Thank you for sharing :)

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 10:46 pm

I’m so blessed that the words spoke to you, Keren!

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TheNextMartha December 1, 2012 at 12:14 am

So beautiful.

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 10:58 pm

those words mean a lot to me, Jen. xoxox

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Kristen December 1, 2012 at 12:46 am

This was my day summed up beautifully. Just what I needed to hear. You are the best!

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 11:01 pm

i miss you, Kristen!!

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Erin@ Sweetness Itself Blog December 1, 2012 at 4:35 am

Oh friend, this is so beautiful and just what I needed to read – got a little misty eyed at the truth you shared in such precious honesty. You are such a gem, and I adore your heart. Thank you for this!!

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 11:01 pm

I adore you!! I can’t wait to see you again next year! xoxo

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emily December 1, 2012 at 6:15 am

This was encouraging to read at 4am today as I can’t sleep and am feeling just this way. And, where do I get that beautiful wrist reminder?

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Hi Emily!
I actually made the bracelet – kind of on a whim! I’m hoping to figure out a way to get them into y’all’s hands too!

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kylie December 1, 2012 at 10:37 am

so beautiful, i’m walking this exact same path every moment of my waking (and sometimes sleeping!) life. and ps: where is that bracelet from! i would love that…

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Hi Kylie!! I actually made the bracelet – I’m crazy, i know. haha

And i’m so blessed that these words spoke to you – much love!

xoxo

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Ashley December 1, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I think you crawled inside my brain and turned my feelings into words. Yesterday was THIS. And today is a new day, a better day… thank you for your beautiful, brave words.

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 11:06 pm

I was nervous to press that publish button – but I know I needed to. so happy i did.

xoxo

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Sara December 1, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Oh, girl. I have never commented before, but today, I felt as though my own heart was exposed through your words. All week long I have had this intense desire to “perform well.” It doesn’t come from a Christ centered place. It comes from an ugly, prideful place A place where I feel insecure, undesirable, unloveable. I place where I have convinced myself if I serve dinner, and have a tidy house, and a well behaved dog, and an empty laundry basket, and a cleared out inbox then I will have value. I will have worth. I have been swallowed up whole by my anxiety, but as I lay exhausted yesterday I decided to give it all to Him. He’s big enough to handle it all, and to love me through this phase of life. For what it’s worth, you don’t go this alone…

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Hi Sara,

I’m so happy you did! Thank you for your kind words – you are an encouragement to me! Isn’t it crazy just how quickly we can slide into this cycle? Ugh. His grace is so good!

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Jessica Heights December 1, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Yes, He is!!! And always ready to hold us when we need it. :)

Love to you, sweet friend!

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 11:09 pm

YES!! Praying for YOU sweet girl – I can’t wait to hear about your travels!

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Jenna December 1, 2012 at 8:32 pm

I love you. That is all :)

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 11:10 pm

so. so. so thankful for you.

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Raechel Myers December 1, 2012 at 9:58 pm

let the truth be heard: you are so loved, friend. and adored and admired and valued.

xoxo

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kacia December 4, 2012 at 11:10 pm

love you, sweet friend.

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Debbie February 22, 2013 at 3:49 pm

This is totally my heart today! Speaks so well to me :)

And, I love the bracelet. How can I get one; find one!?

Thank for being such a Light to the Kingdom! May the Lord delight you with His bliss.

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lena November 6, 2013 at 10:17 pm

so beautiful! thank you for sharing!

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