let go.

Sometimes I can be graceful,  but I wouldn’t define myself as such.

I tend to be a bit of a bulldozer sometimes,
my husband has far better manners than I.

……

Sometimes I have confidence in a task.

I know I can accomplish it–I know I can do it well.

On the flip side, there are tasks, projects, work, that I avoid.

I either believe it can be done, or that I will fall on my face and fail.
I want to do it perfectly, or not do it at all.

I am learning that perfect is not the way life happens.

……

I am a planner.  I like goals.  I like my unstructured-structure.

But I typically don’t speak these thoughts.  I often don’t even write them down.
The thought of speaking them, the thought of giving them life, terrifies me.

I somehow have this belief that if I stay silent, then there is a chance these things will happen.
But I’ve learned what silence usually brings.

……

I haven’t talked much about our adoption process in this space.

I get scared.

There are many who seem to fly through the process quickly, that hasn’t been us.
We are down to the last final pieces of paper for our homestudy.

Paperwork stresses me out.
{remember when I said that I would type 2+2 into my calculator?
I’ve read through these documents hundreds of times.}

The finality of sending in all that paperwork scares me.

It scares me because we feel so ready.
Yet I wonder if we are?
It scares me because up until now…I’ve had a false sense of control.
It scares me because I already feel such incredible love.

I am scared.

And more often than not, I find myself weak.
I know that the perseverance comes from Him alone.

And on those days.  The days when I wonder if all the road blocks are actually closed doors.
I days I am doubting His strength for me most.

Those are the days a friend calls to encourage me.
Those are the days a check comes in the mail.

Prayers and encouragement when we need it most.
Financial assistance from a family who believes in His strength for us.

It is each of these pieces and events that help me hear more clearly,

“let go.”

And this choice is one that I’m not scared to write down or say.

Today I’m letting go.

letting Him give me the grace and strength that only He can give.

thank you for hearing my heart today.

xo.

 [winner of the gloriana scarf giveaway is Katherine Allen - I emailed you!]