a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work
• desire and determination to achieve success
I love definitions. I love that even though the explanation written below a single word can remain the same, the definition can take on new meaning given one’s stage of life.
Ambition used to describe my desire to do well in school, music and art.
Ambition used to describe my desire to excel in my job and career.
And while the above still are true in some capacity, I don’t think anything fits the description of ambition more than my desire to be an great wife to my husband and amazing mom for my kids. “Requiring determination and hard work.” I’m not diminishing the ambition needed to do anything else, but in my life, I’ve never before tackled anything as difficult.
In the everyday mundane, there are many days I just don’t want do empty the dishwasher or dryer one more time. There are many days when I’m exhausted, and I don’t have another answer to “why?”
Many most days, I simply don’t feel adequate to even begin tackling any of these roles, small or large.
Here is the thing that strikes me most about ambition: how do I measure success?
Some successes are easy to measure: grades, graduation, job. Success is relative, yes, we all have different measurements that are important to each of us, but what about success that isn’t as easy to measure? How do I measure my success as a mom? Do I keep a tally of I love you’s and kisses? Do I document minutes and hours spent with child? Do I correlate my mistakes with outcomes and try to do the same with “things I did right?”
Just last evening, Andy walked in the door of our apartment, and he could see it on my face. Crippled by my perfectionism, I was tallying my mistakes and being swallowed by them. Wrapping me in his arms, he reminded me of the grace I need to give to myself.
I’m going to mess up. I’ll probably always fight my desire to keep my ‘Motherhood Mistakes” tally, but I think sometimes the mistakes are part of the success, right? I want my children to hear me ask for forgiveness from them when I need it. I want them to see my constant prayers throughout the day. I want them to see that even with every ounce of determination and hard work to perfect my mothering skills, I will never ever be perfect.
But I will be perfectly theirs.
This post is part of the Sling Diaries Series with Sakura Bloom. I am wearing Jones in Sakura Bloom Deep Sea.