I remember walking into the lunch room in 4th grade.
Today I will be the shy one. Today I will listen + not talk.
Instead I found myself being the shy one for all of 5 minutes.
I remember getting my report card. I remember parent-teacher conferences.
She is a great student, but she needs to work on not talking so much.
… [always]
I remember like it was yesterday [because it was] getting so excited while Andy tells a story, etc. that I interrupt.
I don’t want to. + I don’t want to make excuses.
I really do want to hear his story, + I know it is rude to interrupt. I really do get so passionate about stories + dreams that I want to finish sentences for him.
I know that is annoying.
I remember desiring to be quiet + slow to speak. I wanted to have a voice that people listened to when I spoke.
But instead I tend to speak without thinking much, or at all.
I know that I am who I am for a reason, but I always want to work on pushing myself to be more.
I remember doubting myself as an equal team member. Not believing that my voice had worth.
It took me a while to realize that I did have something to say. + I still do.
I remember taking a blogging break for quite a while.
I didn’t want to be another voice clogging up the internet. [please hear my heart: I don’t see bloggers as clogging up the internet. I
oftenread posts all the time that are so powerful, so real…so crystal clear: they are anything but clogging.]
I’ve been wrestling with purpose. I’ve been boxing with my insecurities. I’ve been debating with practicality. My fear pushes the mute button on my dreams.
I still struggle with who I am. Knowing that I’m not an accident + living a life believing that statement is true.
I know I am wonderfully made, He says.
He knows: He made me.
It is a process.
I have a lot to say.
I’m not sure how to say it most of the time.
I need to say it, if even only for me,
or for one person.
I want to be used.
I want to somehow change lives. Not me, but Him through me.
I want to love hard with the risk of losing much.
I want to find my voice.
+ I want to figure out what that means.
Girl you are on the path! I can’t wait to see where the journey takes you!!!!
Like I said via Instagram….it’s through this blog that I am working my hardest to read about Him everyday! It was a personal goal but you helped put it to action! Thank you! You are being heard + used in an AWESOME way. xo! Rachel
you just made me cry.
Can I just say yes, yes, and yes! I feel frozen when I sit down to write because I have so much to say but no idea how to say it. I want to do it right, be a voice for His work, not my own.
i really struggle with the thought that He really would want to use ME as a vessel. I just look at my “yuck” + think: No way.
Loved our chat the other day! Thanks for the encouragement you gave me + for your words here!
p.s. the sewing table is in our basement…i’ll let you know how it turns out :)
You have a sewing table???????? Yeow! :D
I cannot WAIT to seeeeeee it!! Can we please have a refinishing weekend!? I meant every word of our conversation!
Friend — you know I’m in the same position as you + it makes me so super happy to be sharing in this together :)
Don’t be afraid. Take your time. Dig deep into your heart. Love hard. Love you.
couldn’t pick anyone more perfect to walk through this with.
THANK YOU!
He knows. I’m seeing change and growth in you and it makes my heart so happy to call you my friend. In a few months we shall hug it out big time and be REAL life friends. Our God is good (ALL THE TIME!) and He will direct your path. Keep pursuing His face!!!! LOVE YOU!
get ready for a 7 minute hug, diggity. xoxo
oh friend- I hear you. I think what makes it worse are the expectations I place on myself- that I need to be ‘as good as…’ your heart is presh. :)
YES! exactly. we are our own worst critics. + it’s downright awful.
appreciate your heart and your commitment to debunking the lies our enemy tries to tell us about ourselves. thanks for being you and thank for the reminder to go to battle every day :)
Thank you, Kacey! I sure hope to meet you “again” in real life sometime soon!! I think I “from a distance” met you at Chel’s wedding!
Your words are much too kind – I am so clueless + Have to much to figure out!
this post is so good i can’t even think of the right words to say just HOW good it is. wow.
wow, Amber. I am humbled – it’s definitely not me.
xoxo
You are doing it! You are worthy (and so am I!). In fact, I think with it’s all of our doubts, insecurities and cracks that make us the humble (and effective?) servants we are meant to be. No ONE is the perfect vessel for the Message–we all are. Remember Paul? Girl, if he can be used, we surely can. Prayers for you!
I just don’t want to get it wrong. And I know I need give myself more grace … Paul. David. Ugh. ALL of US.
And that’s probably right where I need to start… I will fail. I will put my foot in my mouth, yet He will still use me!
I love you, miss! And this is one of those posts that I’m nodding with my mouth WIDE open through every single word! I’m with you! “I remember desiring to be quiet + slow to speak. I wanted to have a voice that people listened to when I spoke.” <<< that's me, too! every.single.day.
but, you DO have a voice that people listen to – please know that! You're awesome. Thanks for writing :)
goodness sakes I love you!!
Thank you Kacia for saying YES to Him. Thank you for yielding to Him and doing this for so many others. For so long I have desired to have this in my life. To make time for Him daily and really allow Him to change me. It's not an accident that you texted Maggie on that day at that time. It's all HIS plan. and YOU, my friend, are part of it. :) Thank you for saying YES!
Jacquelyn, I am SO excited to walk along side you as God draws you closer to His heart!
you are so wonderful!
love you, pretty lady. don’t forget how amazing you are!
i LOVE this post! I could seriously write a blog post every single day based just on the day I am on for the soul detox program. EVERY DAY it speaks to me in a way I SO need to hear. Thank you SO much for chatting in public (on the twitters) with Maggie about this so we could all want in.