I remember walking into the lunch room in 4th grade.
Today I will be the shy one. Today I will listen + not talk.
Instead I found myself being the shy one for all of 5 minutes.
I remember getting my report card. I remember parent-teacher conferences.
She is a great student, but she needs to work on not talking so much.… [always]
I remember like it was yesterday [because it was] getting so excited while Andy tells a story, etc. that I interrupt.
I don’t want to. + I don’t want to make excuses.
I really do want to hear his story, + I know it is rude to interrupt. I really do get so passionate about stories + dreams that I want to finish sentences for him.
I know that is annoying.
I remember desiring to be quiet + slow to speak. I wanted to have a voice that people listened to when I spoke.
But instead I tend to speak without thinking much, or at all.
I know that I am who I am for a reason, but I always want to work on pushing myself to be more.
I remember doubting myself as an equal team member. Not believing that my voice had worth.
It took me a while to realize that I did have something to say. + I still do.
I remember taking a blogging break for quite a while.
I didn’t want to be another voice clogging up the internet. [please hear my heart: I don’t see bloggers as clogging up the internet. I
oftenread posts all the time that are so powerful, so real…so crystal clear: they are anything but clogging.]
I’ve been wrestling with purpose. I’ve been boxing with my insecurities. I’ve been debating with practicality. My fear pushes the mute button on my dreams.
I still struggle with who I am. Knowing that I’m not an accident + living a life believing that statement is true.
I know I am wonderfully made, He says.
He knows: He made me.
It is a process.
I have a lot to say.
I’m not sure how to say it most of the time.
I need to say it, if even only for me,
or for one person.
I want to be used.
I want to somehow change lives. Not me, but Him through me.
I want to love hard with the risk of losing much.
I want to find my voice.
+ I want to figure out what that means.