I know. Run for cover:
I’ve been thinking again.
oh yes, with thinking comes my desire to control. everything. around me.
Let me back up.
I like when I can compartmentalize my life.
I like when I can plan out each portion of the day and stick to that schedule.
I like when I wake up early + have an über productive day.
Basically? I like when I feel like I’ve got everything covered.
+ I am in control.
I’m not saying that planning, scheduling, lists + grids are a bad thing. Believe me, I love them!
I’ve simply learned that I’ve created a false sense of control.
And in that? I’ve created this false safety net: I’m in control, so no one can touch me or my family.
Let me back up.
When I found out I was pregnant, I swore I would be the healthiest pregnant woman on earth. Then I got nauseous anytime I looked, smelled or thought about vegetables [or really anything healthy, for that matter] during my first trimester.
When Harlow was born, I decided that she would only eat organic. She would only eat when I prepare from scratch. She would [shudder] not consume purees in a jar or pouch.
I like to make sure we always have back up plans. I want to make sure I’ve got any hiccup in life taken care of before I even get there.
In a nutshell: I’m a perfectionist and that aspect of me cannot be compartmentalized. It seeps into everything I touch or think about.
It keeps me awake at night.
So where on earth am I going with this? laying out my insides displayed for all to see?
I live life often thinking I’ve successfully placed my family into a bubble.
I live believing that we have become untouchable because of what I am doing.
I live putting God in a box, telling him “oh don’t worry, I’ve got us covered.”
Well, the truth is? I don’t.
All of these mechanisms I use to protect my family, while yes, they can be good!
They are not full proof.
And they are not what I should be putting my focus on.
I’ve hurt + cried + experienced life that doesn’t make sense.
I’ve walked with friends experiencing heartache that doesn’t make sense.
They took all precautions. They had it all right….
yet, the heartache still happened. It still happens.
+ I know my God is still a good God.
But here is where I need to shift: in focusing on my human control, when life around me crumbles?
I am left with nothing.
But if my focus remains on Him? Life can crumble all around me,
I know He is constant. And He is in control.
About 40 days ago, I did start to shift my priorities. Before I clean. Before I go forward with my day, He gets my firsts. I’m reading His truth each morning with an amazing community of women over at SheReadsTruth. I’d love to hear how you are placing Him at the center and allowing life to revolve around Him: not you.
Believe me: I need all the help I can get. And I want my daughter, my children to see me living out these priorities, not just telling them how I should be.
Whew. This mom gig is tough stuff.