A version of this post has been in draft for quite a while now, yet for some reason today? I hit publish.
And I’m nervous.
Yesterday’s quick link up post got me thinking a little bit...
I love blogging. I love reading blogs. I love my friends I haven’t met yet.
See, when reading a blog, you get to step through a stranger’s front door. You get to see a glimpse of someone else’s life.
And as the one writing the blog, I pick + choose what I write, share + publish. True?
I can choose to show you the living room on the rare occasion it’s picked up + clean.
I could reveal my laundry space, moving what needs to be put away, to a new spot, so y’all think I’ve got it all together.
I can also choose to share certain things about myself, and typically, I choose the easy stuff:
- I’ve never dyed my hair.
- I like running.
- I happen to knit.
- I love my husband.
- My daughter is awesome.
Easy. Peasy.
Sharing stuff that makes me vulnerable? No thank you. Not unless I’m forced to.
But there has been this tugging recently that I can’t shake. I’ve ignored it. I’ve blamed being sick. I wrote posts + kept them in drafts.
See, it’s been an interesting season for us. As I shared about a few days ago, we’ve been busy. Oh. So. Busy. But God has also really been blessing this little family of ours. In areas that we’ve been praying about + some areas that have completely caught us off guard.
No. Life isn’t perfect. Not in the least bit.
But I really struggle with blessings.
I do. You see, I see all of me. I see the yuck. I see the stuff in me that I hate. I see what I want to change + where I want to improve.
I don’t deserve the blessings. None of them.
*deep breath*
One fact that many of you don’t know is that I sing. I know, not really a scary fact, and it’s something a lot of us do: in the shower, in the car, to children’s songs all day long. It’s actually singing that landed me out in Pittsburgh–a crazy story for another time. That being said, I not a huge fan of being put on the spot. And honestly? If I could lead worship with a wig, so that no one knew who I was walking around…I think I’d be more comfortable that way. Or even singing from behind a curtain? off stage? or is that a little too Wizard-Of-Oz-y?
I want to reflect the praise to Him, not absorb it for me.
All I want to do is use this little voice of mine for Him. For His glory, as He is the one who gave it to me in the first place. But usually I let my fear + insecurities get the best of me. Those lies that tell me “you’re not good enough.” “You don’t have it together.” “You’re better off if you just keep that behind closed doors.”
But what does that have to do with blessing? + not feeling worthy?
Will your grace run out?
- When it’s raining for days on end, I look up + wonder “when will the sky run out of rain???”
- When I get yet another zit, having thought it would end after high school, I think to myself “seriously? haven’t I reached my quota yet?!”
- When it comes to His grace?
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
When I tell you lies
Cause all I know
Is how to cry
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
{Leslie Jordan + David Leonard, Brokenness Aside, by All Sons and Daughters}
And His grace never runs out.
YOU are BEAUTIFUL. and I love you. that is all.
love you, A :) so thankful for you.
Girl, that males me shiver. You are beautiful even beyond your voice, & I so get what you’re saying. Thank you so much for sharing. Love.
I adore you, Mandie. Seriously. I really love your cute self, a lot.
thank you for this. He takes our brokenness aside and makes it beautiful for His glory for His purpose alone. i’m not a fan of vulnerability too but its stepping out of my comfort zone, its getting all up in the awkwardness of life and things that cause me to fully rely on Him and His grace that i can at the right times share my story. whatever God is leading you to do, He will enable you. in His time.
it’s that fully relying thing that key, right? Being vulnerable for the sake of being vulnerable seem silly. But maybe i’m off. :)
xoxo
K
wow – I have chills.
thank you for this.
thank you, Emily! it’s all Him, really.
your voice is beautiful – what an amazing gift! and i’m so glad that you are choosing to honor the Lord with it :)
Thank you, Heather!
and PSST! You should have received an email invite to get off the StitchFix waitlist! xo
I am speechless. Absolutely beautiful. God gave you an amazing gift, Kacia. I had goosebumps and tears through the entire song. I feel so utterly blessed that you’ve opened your heart, home and life up to others…I have learned so much about myself, God, my life and am truly, truly thankful for you.
God Bless You. You are beautiful.
Wow, Angela, your words are seriously so kind. Thank you, thank you. The credit goes to Him. all of it.
Goosebumps and tears and awe. For His gorgeous creation in you and through you.
thank you, Sarah. You don’t even know just how much you encourage me.
As if I didn’t adore you enough already. You are beautiful and amazing. I can’t wait to hug you. Thank you for blessing my day with this and bursting with His grace.
oh goodness sakes I can’t wait to hug you!
we’ve recently run across all sons & daughters over here. & this song, oh, this song. thank you so much for sharing this piece of your heart and gift today. both are so beautiful.
Aren’t they incredible!?!? I could listen on repeat – oh wait. I do!!
xoxo love you Becca.
I needed that. Thanks for laying it out there. I appreciate it so much.
love you
You are beautiful & amazing, Kacia!! Thanks for this reminder today.
Thank you, Natalie. I can’t wait to get my hands on that jewelry next week!
Beautiful…from the inside out! Thanks for being vulnerable + honest.
Thank you, Beth! Y’all have seriously made it way less scary.
Great post. I love it when bloggers speak truth. Seriously, we need truth…nothing else. Its sad how often we think His grace will run out, isn't it? I don't understand why we do that since He ALWAYS proves otherwise, but I guess its part of sin? Not trusting what He says? That His grace will always be there! Beautiful heart, beautiful voice, beautiful words.
Yes!! And we believe and live like His grace has run out: refusing to run back into it.
So thankful for you, Kassie.
Goose bumps. I needed that today and every day, friend. Thanks for finally publishing. :)
Thank you, Moriah. Thank you. So soon? SUSHI!!!
Wow! I think so many of us feel the same way. You spoke for so many wives, mothers, and children of God that can't form the words to the thoughts we have. The song was beautiful, brought tears to my eyes. I miss hearing you sing. Thanks for being so vulnerable and honest with this post.
Thank you, Brandy! I sure miss your face a lot :)
I fell in love with worship at NorthWay when you were leading it, when I first started attending college out in PA. It was a great moment… I love listening to worship that flows out from you.
I also love ASAD… thank you for sharing, that was so nice to hear today.
Thank you, Amy! thank you!. I miss seeing you!!
I know this isn’t the reason you did this but you need to hear it anyway – your voice is simply gorgeous.
That aside, thank you for sharing this. Thanks for putting the words we all need to hear into something besides writing – it’s just a different form of being blessed. And it’s wonderful.
you bless me more than you know. More. than. you. know.
love you sweet friend.
a lot.
You have no idea how much I needed this today. It was simply breathtaking. You are extremely talented.
me too Erin, me too.
thank you, Erin. Your words are such an encouragement to me – helps give me the strength to continue sharing my vulnerabilities. I know that truth lives in using our voices!
Wow. You have a true gift. And I think it would be a disservice to your other brothers and sisters and to the God who gifted it to you if you hid it or were ashamed to share it. Thanks for sharing!
Wow, thank you, Katy. Seriously. I can’t believe the kinds words you and others are pouring on me. I don’t deserve it. thank you
Thanks so much for sharing and for sharing your heart. Thank you for being vuluable and for being willing to share. you have a beautiful heart.
Thank you, Jessica! I adore that heart of yours as well.
those lyrics are so beautiful… definitely my heart in this time of my life. thank you for baring your heart and allowing God to use your lovely voice to deliver His message.
I’m so blessed that the words were what you needed to hear. That’s all Him.
That was beautiful, Kacia, thanks! I am often struck with this thought: “where would I be without His grace?” So grateful I am His. And I missed your voice – always a blessing at Taylor and a blessing again here. :)
Thank you, Monica. There are so many Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays that I often think “I’d be walking to chapel right now.” I really miss those days sometimes!
hope you are well, Monica!
xoxo
that whole part up there about the wife & mom who snaps at her husband {and sometimes my son} and has no patience, and foot in her mouth constantly. that would be ME. I soo needed to read this. I couldn’t listen to the song at work, because I’m sure I would end up a puddle of tears on the floor and that’s not super conducive for a work environment, but I plan on listening when I arrive home. Thank you. so. stinking. much.
Don’t become a puddle of tears – well, we all need a good cry sometimes. Yes, we are all there – and we need to LIVE knowing His grace doesn’t run out.
Thank you so much for sharing. You have a lovely voice that you shouldn't be afraid to use. It's not proud to want to use it for His glory, and although you will still get praise from people, you can handle it humbly and still be pleasing to Him. :)
thank you, Julie. yes, i just never want an ounce of it to be absorbed, y’know? xoxo
I love and relate perfectly to everything in this post, but OH MY GOODNESS KACIA. The kids and I have a little bit of worship time every morning before we start school, and we have sung this song everyday for two weeks now. A friend introduced me to All Sons and Daughters a month or so ago, and I have been just beyond blessed by their music. They were just what I’ve been looking for for new, fresh worship music. Thank you for sharing your heart and your voice with us! Hugs friend! <3
Kelli, I want to come to worship time with your family!!! Oh, it sounds amazing. I think my favorite thing? Is playing this song and other worship songs with Harlow – she starts singing and ooohing and not saying any of the words – and I always end up a puddle of tears.
xo so thankful for you
K
Oh Kacia, my heart was hurting today. This was good to hear.
xoxo
I knew I need to publish – knowing maybe it was just one person needing to hear it. I love you, Joanna.
xoxox
You are beautiful and your voice is amazing.. I could listen to you sing all day! Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you, Jodi! I sure miss you!
You’re inspiring.
I’m so thankful for you, Nadine!
Stop it. Just stop! You are amazing-I need to buy your CD now thanks. I have really great dance moves so I can always offer up myself as a back up dancer. So proud of you for sharing-God has surely blessed you with a talent and how obedient of you to share! XO
Just found your blog through Diana Stone. Love your premise…it’s so nice to find other believers in the blogospere. I subscribed, so I can check back. You have beautiful hair!
You have a beautiful voice! And I just love this song. I keep playing it over and over because I can’t get enough.
Wow. God has given you such a beautiful gift to encourage and inspire others. Thanks for hitting publish friend
Kacia, thank you for sharing this. I really appreciate your vulnerability. Mostly because I feel like I am in a similar season right now. My husband and I were just placed with a four year old who is our new foster child. We also have a two year old biological son. It’s been a whirlwind of a week and I’m wondering if I can even handle this. I was exhausted with one kid and now all of the sudden we have two. It’ crazytown over here. I know things will get better but right now, sometimes I just want to run far far away, or to the nearest Starbucks and hide. Haha. I’m kind of kidding but in all seriousness I’m really looking forward to The Influence Conference this week. It’d be awesome to connect with you. Some much needed girl time will be amazing I’m sure:)) See you in a couple of days!
Oh, and I LOVE All Sons and Daughters and ‘Brokenness Aside’ is one of their best songs, in my opinion. And you have an incredible voice. You should share it more often:)
Just listened again. In case you are counting, this is time number 5. :)
You are such a blessing to me, Sarah. More than you know.
Beautiful. You. Youre voice. Youre desire to let go and give back to Him.
Thank you for posting this…for many reasons. I can’t believe how much I can relate to this exact thing. My heart and soul feel closest to God through songs lifted up to him. It’s also where I have to choose to let Him reside instead of my fears I’ve let build up my whole 27 years of life, every single time I want to sing. No matter where I am.
Through some people that helped plant our church last year, I was given the opportunity to be extremely vulnerable, not knowing if I was actually good (still question that often, ha!) and tell them of my fears. Then, I had to actually sing in front of her…eventually, co-leading in worship through song at some of our services.
It’s been one of the scariest things to allow God to take the lies away as I give them over to Him but in return, He blesses me with more confidence to let go of it all in worship as I bless Him the best way I know how.
Just this last week at church (It’s been over a year that we have been going at it) I let go a little more than the last…fears intact but kinda ignoring them ;)
Thank you for posting this…I so relate. Blessings to you as you continue to be vulnerable in your giftings and allow God’s truth wash over you and bless Him in return.
Bree