A version of this post has been in draft for quite a while now, yet for some reason today?  I hit publish. 

And I’m nervous.

 

Yesterday’s quick link up post got me thinking a little bit...

I love blogging.  I love reading blogs.   I love my friends I haven’t met yet.

See, when reading a blog, you get to step through a stranger’s front door.  You get to see a glimpse of someone else’s life. 

And as the one writing the blog, I pick + choose what I write, share + publish.  True?

I can choose to show you the living room on the rare occasion it’s picked up + clean.

I could reveal my laundry space, moving what needs to be put away, to a new spot, so y’all think I’ve got it all together.

I can also choose to share certain things about myself, and typically, I choose the easy stuff:

  • I’ve never dyed my hair.
  • I like running.
  • I happen to knit.
  • I love my husband.
  • My daughter is awesome.

Easy. Peasy.

Sharing stuff that makes me vulnerable? No thank you.  Not unless I’m forced to.

But there has been this tugging recently that I can’t shake.  I’ve ignored it.  I’ve blamed being sick.  I wrote posts + kept them in drafts.

See, it’s been an interesting season for us.  As I shared about a few days ago, we’ve been busy.  Oh. So. Busy.  But God has also really been blessing this little family of ours.  In areas that we’ve been praying about + some areas that have completely caught us off guard.

No.  Life isn’t perfect.  Not in the least bit.

But I really struggle with blessings. 

I do.  You see, I see all of me.  I see the yuck.  I see the stuff in me that I hate.  I see what I want to change + where I want to improve.

I don’t deserve the blessings.  None of them. 
*deep breath*
One fact that many of you don’t know is that I sing.  I know, not really a scary fact, and it’s something a lot of us do: in the shower, in the car, to children’s songs all day long.  It’s actually singing that landed me out in Pittsburgh–a crazy story for another time.  That being said, I not a huge fan of being put on the spot.  And honestly? If I could lead worship with a wig, so that no one knew who I was walking around…I think I’d be more comfortable that way.  Or even singing from behind a curtain? off stage? or is that a little too Wizard-Of-Oz-y?

I want to reflect the praise to Him, not absorb it for me.  

All I want to do is use this little voice of mine for Him.  For His glory, as He is the one who gave it to me in the first place.  But usually I let my fear + insecurities get the best of me.  Those lies that tell me “you’re not good enough.” “You don’t have it together.”  “You’re better off if you just keep that behind closed doors.”

But what does that have to do with blessing?  + not feeling worthy? 

I want to share a song with you all.  A song that has brought me to tears so many times in the past few months.  A song that Harlow + I sing to almost every day.  Well, I sing, she dances + giggles.

 

Will your grace run out?
That’s the first line in this song + something I need to hear over and over.  I have a tendency to think in this way:
  • When it’s raining for days on end, I look up + wonder “when will the sky run out of rain???”
  • When I get yet another zit, having thought it would end after high school, I think to myself “seriously? haven’t I reached my quota yet?!”
  • When it comes to His grace?
Oh.  When it comes to His grace.   I have a hard time believing that He really has enough for me. 

 

Me.
The wife who snaps at her husband.
The wife who has a long way to go before learning patience.
The wife who has a foot in her mouth more often than not.
The wife who couldn’t possibly have anything to offer to Him, yet He still finds reason to use me. 
Me.

 

And maybe that’s you?  Perhaps you’re struggling + wondering how He can look down + call you beautiful.  Perhaps you’re afraid He’s pouring His last…few…drops… of grace.
Then this is for you.

 

[And please, hit play, then scroll past the video + follow along with the lyrics.  I don’t want this to be about me, I just had to share this song with you.]
Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run
‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
Will you call me child
When I tell you lies
Cause all I know
Is how to cry
I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

{Leslie Jordan + David Leonard, Brokenness Aside, by All Sons and Daughters}

You are beautiful.
You are loved.
You are His child.

And His grace never runs out. 

I needed to remind you of that, because I needed to be reminded of it too.
 
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