If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love,
I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
[I Corinthians 13:1, the Message]
This past weekend, I was challenged to know the why behind my writing. Why do I take time to put words in this space?
I couldn’t answer.
It’s why I took a hiatus a few years back. I wanted to come back knowing my why. Yet, I didn’t.
I still somehow felt the need to come back. To write. No matter the numbers, no matter the stats, no matter the worldly “success.”
I just wanted to write it down. I wanted to remember. I needed to. For some reason: I needed to write again.
And as I look through my notes and chicken scratches from the Influence Conference. I realized that I had so many action items, so many goals, so many to-do’s that needed to be checked off. So many feelings of “the way I’m doing it isn’t good enough – I should be doing this. or that.”
So many variations of the question, “Is it worth it?”
I’ve always said that I tend to do things the Kacia way. I like different. I like unique.
Yet I found myself thinking “If I do what they do, I will be successful.” “If only….then this.”
I found myself sounding like a rusty gate. A clanging cymbal.
I just want the words I write to encourage someone, somehow. I don’t want to be noise. And I don’t want to hide.
But more than that, I want my priorities to be inline. I want my husband to say that I am intentional and a wife of purpose. I want my children to say that I was there and present.
I want my words to be a journal they can look back on – but more so, I want my life and the time spent with them to be my love letter.
I want the words I say + type to be laced with love.
And somehow, I pray I learn how to wrestle with the talents and dreams and ideas and goals I do have for my life. The woman described in Proverbs 31 isn’t dumb, and she isn’t fearful. She is intentional in every sense of the word: as a child of God, as a wife, as a mother, a friend, a business woman…
I don’t have to choose one or the other. It’s not “be a mom and wife or follow your dreams.” But it’s finding a balance. It’s putting Him first. It’s putting Him before everything else.
So I pray that somehow He uses my mess. Because it’s messy. I am messy.
I’m still learning that He can make the mess beautiful. And struggling to believe that I’m worth it.
I believe that words are powerful and can make a big difference. So continue writing! Happy to have found your blog! Thanks for your follow on Twitter!
xoxox
Thank you, KC. Your words are such an encouragement to me!
Happy to have found your blog! Thanks for following on twitter!
Words are powerful and can make a big impact on others, so continue writing!
this really could not have come at a better time for me. i didn’t get to go to Influence this year, but what you’ve written here today is something that has been weighing heavily on my heart as well. it’s so easy to get caught up in the numbers game, to catch yourself in the comparison trap. thank goodness we serve a God who doesn’t care about that, but that we LOVE him and LOVE others first and foremost!
Hi Heather! I hate that the enemy knows our weaknesses – and he is smart. He knows how to use them and get us to believe the lies!
We’re in this together, yeah???
Love this!!
You are a blessing to me.
I have felt these same things at times. In the end, I decide I write for myself, my own heart and truth. Hopefully, people are moved or helped. Very nice post.
amen!
As you know from reading my post today, I totally get these feelings.
It’s always amazing to me how much so many of us struggle with our worth and what we can/will/should accomplish. Maybe that struggle is part of what makes us better. I look at the things you accomplish and how mindful you are and think, “but she’s amazing!”
And I guess if you thought that about yourself all the time, you wouldn’t have any reason to try to be more. So maybe a touch of those feelings are okay, so long as we remember that we aren’t those feelings and we keep striving to be our best? :)
Amber? I think you nailed it. absolutely nailed it.
I never want to have such a confidence that I forget the struggle – I want to work on valuing my worth more, yes. But it’s a tough debacle, y’know?
SO thankful for you
Beyond just putting Him FIRST, put Him as ALL. Don’t love Him MOST and leave other areas that you love a little bit.
Luke 10:27 And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” (ESV)
It’s seemingly a minor difference….first vs all. But it’s made a big difference for me!! Praying that you will learn what it means to be confident in who HE is, not who YOU are…that we will ALL find our confidence in Him!! Praying for you. I love when you’re real and transparent!!
Dani – yes! I love this and you’re right. So right.
Never go away, k???
I’m a hot mess, but you better believe HE uses it! And He uses you SOOOO much sister!
you’re so right. So thankful for you.
Kacia!
thank you for sharing this. I feel that question of “why?” frequently. I love how you brought up being intentional in what we do and being intentional in that we love Him first. So thank you thank you for sharing through the “mess” :)
Yes! I think purpose and intentional might be my words for 2013…. I need these qualities to be more prevalent in my life.
Love love love this. And love you :)
Phil. 1:3 :)
Your words are so powerful, pretty lady! This post is why I’m so thankful to have met you and am excited to learn from you.
So thankful to have met YOU!! You are a gem, Hillary.
This absolutely goes along with my latest blogs here lately. You’re worth more than gold, Kacia! Your words are amazing and I hope that God uses all of our messes for His glory. :)
Rebecca, thank you for your comment. You didn’t need to comment – yet you chose to encourage. THANK YOU!
You really are a blessing. Thank you!
If you do what they do, you WILL be successful. But not at what matters. Not at being the authentic you that He created you to be. The quirky, beautiful, mad talented, crazy and ABSOLUTELY encouraging Kacia He created you to be. You encourage me. So of course, I think it’s worth it. :)
Okay! I really need you in my back pocket. :)
Sarah, your encouragement is one of the biggest blessings for me. thank you!
This is a beautiful post, Kacia! I am a new follower…I finally got internet after two years of not being able to get service, so I started a blog to celebrate and I quickly found out about #shereadstruth, which led me to your blog. I also struggle with feeling like I have something to say, and then wondering if it’s worth it, so your post really resonated with me!
It’s the honesty and humbleness that makes your words beautiful! Putting God first is the best thing us moms can do!!
Thank you for taking my feelings and putting them into words, much more eloquent words than I could produce! Your heart is such an encouragement to me. Beautiful.
i’m so happy that it encouraged you, Ashley!! That is my prayer for this space on the interwebs – I just want to encourage and bless somehow!