Yesterday was a day of ugly crying and praying.
And it wasn’t just because it was Monday.
It was a day when I felt the weakness for real.
It was a day when I felt the pain of brokenness.
It was a day when I looked back and saw all of the ways God was getting my attention.
It was a day that I wished I was a better student, so the learning wouldn’t be so difficult.
A few weeks ago, a friend encouraged me to see the blessings: to view the dreams, talents, all He’s given me as His. Not that I would feel burdened, but freed because it’s not by my strength, but His.
I heard it, but it didn’t sink in.
Then this past Sunday at church I found myself nodding along with the sermon
–probably enough to make the people sitting near me look over at me funny.
But I’m okay with that.
As Pastor Freedom spoke about fear, he said something that I’d never heard before:
When we fear something, we end up trying so hard to make that fear go away that we tend do the opposite: sometimes to the point of making that fear a reality.
Enter Monday.
I was talking with a friend, and I admitted my fear. She used the word paralyzed and it struck a chord.
This word captured my feelings and frustrations at this very moment–I was allowing fear to leave me paralyzed.
So I’m just going to ramble for a minute, is that okay?
A little a lot more vulnerable then I like, but it’s what is going on.
I need to quiet the lies: speak the truth and learn to be a little more vulnerable.
Are there lies that you need to quiet by speaking truth?
ps: I am okay. I am ready to stop this season of doing it on my own. xoxo
I heard a talk once on how “perfect love casts out fear.” The only way fear can be removed from ones life is by receiving and believing you are loved… its really helped me with my fear issues. Praying. xo.
that is so true, Elizabeth – the receiving is there…. i think for me it’s usually the believing part.
so thankful for you!
K
WOW thanks so much for sharing, I have to admit I can relate to 99% of the items on your list so I can only imagine how difficult it was to write and publish this post! I am so grateful for your vulnerability today; it has helped me realize once again I’m not alone. Sadly these lies creep into our thoughts and they can have so much ‘power’ over us if we allow them to and they gain ‘power’ especially when we don’t share them. I find it freeing to sharing my struggles with a couple close friends allowing them to shine His light into my life and call these struggles for what they really are… lie!!!
Thank you again Kacia, I can’t thank you enough for blessing me with this post!
so thankful for you!!
I am glad you had the strength to post this list. I relate to many of those fears too. I also really think that quote you shared from your pastor is so correct. maybe that is why they say ‘face your fears?’
Isn’t what He spoke on about fear just packed with wisdom? So thankful.
xoxo!
Have you read anything by Brene Brown? Her writing is all about fear and vulnerability and how to manage it successfully. Or gives you steps to start learning how. I’ve been struggling with vulnerability FOREVER and found her work truly inspirational.
I haven’t, Laura!! But I will be googling her in about 2 minutes now :)
Thank you!!
you have spoken directly to my heart, and I share every sentiment you do. when your heart is so big, it is that much easier for it to break.
Love that, Meghan. {and i love that we spell our names the same :) <-- did you know i'm a Meghan? }
My dear friend. You are so much braver and stronger than you know. He has blessed you with this. And that fear? Is probably hiding another true blessing just waiting for you to relinquish yourself to Him.
I\’m praying for you, sister.
I am so thankful for you and your encouragement.
so. thankful.
And here I was, writing to you yesterday and had no inkling as to how you were feeling.
I know this, this paralyzing fear of failure. I launched my new business over a month ago and I froze AFTER. I haven’t really done much with it since and I just can’t get into that head space to do what I need to do.
I suppose paralyzed would be the perfect word for me.
I don’t have any advice – except that you’ve taken a great first step in addressing it, by writing this list and hitting publish. Embrace the fear perhaps? Use it as an energy source?
Thank you for your sweet encouragement, Alison!!
xoxo!
Kacia–There was something about this TedTalk that really spoke to my heart about being vulnerable. Maybe it will for you, too. Her humor and her genuine presentation gave me hope that one day I might be able to speak, through Him, even if my voice shakes.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
Praying for you, and for all of us, that we may have the courage to be vulnerable. I’m terrible at it. I’m a people pleaser with a huge heart for making everything “right and perfect.” Of course, I know only He can do that, but some days the weight seems to be heavier than others.
Hon, the good news is that you’re not alone on several levels:
1. You’re not alone in the issues you listed – in fact, I found myself nodding and convicted of it all myself as I read through the list! Not that it’s good necessarily that we’re both stuck in those feelings BUT…
2. We’re not alone in any of it because this is where God’s strength is made even stronger. As slightly cheesy as it is, the Footprints in the Sand poem is true in that this season is where God carries us!
I’ll be praying for you sweetie; it’s not easy to realize our faults and sins and deal with them, but by being open about it you’re opening your heart to allow God to change it!
Thank you so much for sharing and being vulnerable! I’d say just about everything you wrote down on your list is something I struggle with too. I’m in the market for a new job, and fear of failure has paralyzed me from pursuing what I love.
Yes, there are lies I need to combat with Truth, and this is a daily battle. I have to remind myself to keep fighting, to not let my guard down, and to keep trusting in Him. I fail at this, a lot, but it’s comforting to know that He’s still waiting for me to run back to Him with arms wide open.
I am glad you posted this list. It is your heart. SO excited for your adoption journey. Keep writing! We don't want perfect, we want you!
Thank you so much for this, Kacia. Thank you. This season I’m battling some fears myself (many that look similiar to yours). But my biggest one is an extra vulnerable one for me…so here goes: The biggest one is battling the fear that my season of singleness will be permanent. That it will be the reality of my life…I fear not seeing the dreams He’s placed on my heart grow to fruition…to be part of a creative team…to be an encouraging wife + mom. Whew. I said it. ;) I’m trying not to live in that state of fear. I’m trying to instead bring Him my dreams and allow Him to shine His light on them, infuse them with life, and bring them to reality in His time.
I think you’re brave and awesome and being used by Him in so many incredible ways. I’m really thankful we’ve connected in the blog world. And I’m thankful for your beautifully honest heart that you share here. It blesses others — like me. I hope you know that. :)
December is always my favorite month of blog posts…they are pre-scheduled gift guides, photos of good food and pretty trees, and not really any heart matters. I have a wall to keep me from feeling vulnerable.
All that to say, this post is perfect timing. We will never draw nearer to Christ without admitting our own sin and need for him. Christmas can be an incredibly redeeming season if we quit hiding. I am going to quit hiding and join you in being vulnerable.
I am already thinking about how to make my “Sharing Christmas” post more about Him and less about me.
Kacia,
Thank you for this post. I truly appreciate your blog posts for their authenticity and uniqueness to you being you! I experience many if not all of the fears you listed above, I often choose not to even admit them to myself let alone anyone else. I love that blogs can be a way of letting those fears be known and finding encouragement in those who like to check in! Your willingness to share is spurring me to reflect on my own weaknesses. His love is constant and never failing. Although we strive to be strong and free of weaknesses, He shows us that with His love we are whole! :-) Sending many prayers your way!
I love love love this post. Thank you. It resonates so much with me. Praise the Lord He gave you the courage to post this–it will inspire and encourage others to be vulnerable in their own way. 3, 4 and 9 are right where I am…..and struggling all the way through it. Thank goodness I believe whole heartedly #13.
This spoke to me so loudly. It’s right where I am. A season of humbling & refining, focusing on the fact that no matter what anyone calls me – no matter what I call myself – in the end, the title that matters is Daughter of the King, a Father who tells us to “Be strong & courageous” because He will be with us wherever we go (Joshua 1:9).
Wow, wow, wow. You are honest and brave and I’m so thankful for that!
I just wrote today about how my biggest sin is envy. we have such similar hearts my friend, what a true blessing to have found you!! You will be in my prayers.
So many words you shared are what I feel too. I have so much fear of being wounded, though, that I can’t say them out loud to anyone but God and my husband. You are so brave, friend. And you are strong enough because you are not alone.
Love you.
Oh sweet one, I just sat here with a big lump in my throat while I read your preciously vulnerable words. I feel your heart so so much. Your list could almost be my own. I connect heart-to-heart and often one-on-one. I love deeply and I either give you my best, or don’t give much of anything. It’s an icky sort of all-or-nothingness. It’s not what I feel in my heart, it’s simply what comes out naturally. As if not giving someone the very depths of myself means that I have nothing to offer.
You amaze me. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Your creativity. Your simple beauty. Your words. Your love. Your humanity and your dependence on Jesus. THAT is why I pop in each day for a visit. Because you are uniquely you.
I’m praying for you tonight. Remember, His mercies are fresh each morning. Allow yourself to bask in grace. {{hugs}}
So I felt as though I was reading something I had written. I struggle with all of those things. I feel as though everything that you just shared are things that I have struggled with or am currently struggling. Fear is a big one for me but I know that we serve a powerful and amazing God. Thank you soooo much for sharing and for being willing to open up and be there for others too. you have a beautiful heart and I am so happy that I found your blog. Blessings!