She throws herself down on the kitchen floor for the 4th time today. It is 8am. “Harlow, we’re going to eat breakfast–what would you like?,” I ask. “nooo!” she sobs once more.
My day is already full–four days in a row, mornings such as these.
“Would you like some yogurt? an orange?” I’ll let her eat any of her favorites–just please, please stop the screams.
She looks at me with each question, frustration in her eyes, “nooooo!” as she runs into my arms and puts her head on my shoulder. I tell her how much I love her over, and over, and over again.
I can’t explain the tears streaming down her face. I question every choice I’ve made as a mother. What have I done wrong? Why is she acting this way–treating me this way?
There is nothing she can do that will make me love her less, yet my heart aches, wanting to help, wanting to erase whatever pain or frustration she is feeling.
I would do anything to bear it for her.
I’m beginning to understand when my mom tells me, “it doesn’t get any easier seeing tears on your child’s face. Never.”
“no, no, no!”
We go to the couch with her baby and a few books–perhaps some reading will ease things over, and we can eat breakfast in a bit. Or skip breakfast and do something with a smile on our faces. But the sobs continue. The blatant no, the tears, the frustration.
I turn my body away from her, blinking to fight back the tears.
“What am I doing wrong? Where did my happy toddler go?“
Every part of me wants to run to another room and cry. I question my ability as a mom–I second guess every decision I’ve made to this point in time.
“Lord, why? What can I do to lessen these tears? How can I keep her frustration at bay? Why does she blatantly disobey when I ask something of her?“
She is a child.
She is learning.
and she is just like you.
And that’s when the tears begin to fall.
I am that child in a perpetual state of the terrible twos. Trying so desperately to gain a sense of control, as I see more and more of this world I live in. “No!” I exclaim as I throw myself to the floor, as He reminds me of His love for me.
Yet there is nothing I can do to lose that love. Nothing.
I am still a child. I am still learning how to be loved.
Thanks for the reminder of God’s unlimited love Kacia! :) Happy Friday!
xoxo!
you are such a great writer. I felt like I was in the kitchen with you hearing her cry. :( This is a great post Kacia, a look at real life. Thankful for you.
Thank you for all the encouragement you bring to me, friend. SO thankful for you!
gorgeous photos! Here at our house, we’re experiencing some of those unexplainable tantrums–especially when food is involved. I am asking God for peace & patience in those moments. Have a wonderful weekend!
floral&fudge
I am right there with you, rachel!! I thought this article was extremely helpful as well! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/27/tantrums-toddlers_n_2774399.html?utm_hp_ref=tw
Such an honest post! As moms, we’ve definitely all been there. I can completely relate to your feelings, which you express so clearly. Hope that the rest of your day is smoother than your morning!
Thank you, Blair!! XOXOXO!
What a good word. Powerful stuff.
thanks, Emily! XOXOXO!!
I am in love with that first shot – her eyes!
While Wes isn’t in the terrible twos just yet, he is starting to become more and more his own person, which means exploring things he shouldn’t be exploring and then bursting into tears when I keep him from it. I love this reminder of God’s ultimate love for us!
YES! And I think it’s incredible how toddlers struggle with needing to have control, yet knowing so little and not understanding what exactly that means — grace upon grace upon grace.
XOXOXO!
http://jasongood.net/365/2012/12/46-reasons-why-my-three-year-old-might-be-freaking-out/
That is all.
I think that’s the article that inspired the one I linked to from the huff post!!! LOVE!!!
I’ve had that same thought, and said it out loud to other moms lately to nods of agreement. Where did the “happy” child go? Of course we remember them as not so happy, crying infants, what did they want then? But then there are days when they seem so content and we think, ah this is it. And other the days…the opposite. Oh human nature is NUTS,
Nuts is seriously a very good way to describe it. ARG.
The tantrum days are so hard, Kacia. All us moms have been there. We want to help but nothing seems to help and we have to “let it ride.”
I think there is a child that exists within us all.
agreed. xoxo!
Oh mama. This is a beautifully written post. I’ve been there with the whole questioning myself thing. Every night when Silas wakes up a billion times, I wonder what I’m doing to screw up his sleep schedule so much. Mama guilt and doubt is the WORST.
And I love your tie-in to the way we treat God and His love for us. I’ve learned so much during this 7 months of being a mama and God’s unending love and pursuit of me has become all the more clearer because of it.
and to top the mama guilt and doubt — we put up these walls of “parenting styles” and “Right and wrong choices”
Not okay. Happy we have each other!
xoxo
Oh my gosh girl, this post is beautiful. It brings tears to my eyes because you so wonderfully summed up what is in my heart. It is so hard to understand His love for us, but you just made it a little clearer. THANK YOU!!!!
Oh I cannot wait until your little one is HERE!! xoxox!
I can so relate to this post! How hard it is to go through these tough stages with toddlers. Man, there are so many days I just want so badly to rescue Ingrid from her emotional rollercoasters.
Nothing will bring you to your knees and help you understand God more than being a parent….it has been the greatest lesson in seeing how God sees me.
Thanks for sharing, friend. Love your honesty.
Amazing how much He teaches us through the littles–and how He develops every part of us as we continue to grow and age.
{Oooooh the times I look back on lifespan development class :) }