so much good. still so hard.

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Oh hello.  For the past two weeks I’ve been telling myself, “tomorrow I’ll write down these feelings. Tomorrow I’ll write a quick update…..I’m just not ready to do it today.”

I’ve decided I will probably never be ready — just like so many things in life right?  I remember telling my friend Kate that I needed more time before we moved…just give me 6 more weeks, I told her.  Her response was perfect: “Kacia, you have to rip the bandaid off at some point.”

The bandaid has been ripped.  The wound has been healing, but I’m realizing that it’s going to take a while.  Sorry for the visual, but it feels like just when I’m feeling a bit more settled, I pick the scab off…..and I’m back to square one again.

I started crying before I started typing–and now I’m squinting at my screen. ha.  I’m constantly reminding myself of all the good: there is so much of it.

It’s still okay to just stand in the kitchen and cry though, right?  

But through those tears, I look into our little living room/dining room/office/storage/pantry and the tears turn into true true tears of joy.  We’re squished together, and I told Andy today that I might never want to live in much more space than we have now.  We’re simplifying in big ways, there’s no basement to hideaway in or a separate sewing room or office to disappear to.  Harlow is sharing a room with her brother like she’s been begging to from day one.  We are constantly laughing at the “no, I don’t have to go to the bathroom,” until someone else is going to the bathroom….and then hurrybecauseIreallyhavetogonownowNOW problem that we are encountering with only one bathroom now.  And the truth?  I love it.

Harlow is responding so well to the change — we have more time as a family and it is truly impacting all of us in positive ways.  She sees me cry, and I hate that, but I love the conversations we have as a result.  Andy told me the other day how much he treasured her empathy towards others, and he couldn’t have said it better.  She would always come home from school concerned about a friend who was sick or fell or was crying.  Almost every day she prays for her mommy to find new friends — and I know God’s listening. :)

Jones is still his smiling self … with 2 teeth! Well, they’ve broken through and now I’m not feeling as crazy for wondering why his non existent sleep, his non-stop boogers and his random low grade fever have been the new norm.

We took two days to drive out to Boston — the moving truck arrived the following morning.  Harlow instantly fell in love with the fact that “we have an elevator in our house!”  Not really, but we take an elevator to get to our apartment, and it’s basically Christmas every time we come or go for a 3 year old.  Our space is slowly becoming home–I see the light of it, I do!  I’m working hard to not just have a temporary mindset, but to truly settle in and make it home for however long we are here.  I miss our house in Pittsburgh when I think about it, but it really is amazing how little the structure matters when the people you love are near.  The minute we walked into the empty apartment and blew up air mattresses for our first night there: it was already home.

Andy is loving his job so far (all 4 days! ha!) and he spent 2 hours of his Friday stuck in an elevator until the fire department came to get them all out.  I’m not sure all of his days will be that exciting, but I am so proud of the role he is stepping into and what the department does for so many children and families.  If you remember, Harlow names each of Andy’s work by their color — in Pittsburgh, he had the Red Work and Green Work (and 2 Grey Works for a few hours here and there.)  She was always very aware of where he was each day: often remembering what his new schedule would be at quarter change before I did.  The Friday of the week we arrived, Harlow was so excited to take the train in to visit her daddy’s new work.  She’s already named it the Blue Work and asks regularly when we’ll be going back to visit.

Spring has kind of? arrived here in Boston?  I’m hoping things spring into at least the 60s here soon, but I’m happy the snow has melted (for the most part!).  We plan on meeting Andy at the commuter rail station as often as possible, and I know we will only do this more as the weather gets warmer!

We found a park just a block away from our apartment.

We found a Thai restaurant and a takeout Mexican place that we already love.  Priorities, people. ;)

We are hoping to visit the library this week — and we can’t wait to explore the beaches too.

Boston, warm. up.

And from the mouth of this Wisconsin gal who was scared to move to New England: everyone is so kind.  Well, the guy I stopped for, who walked out into the street and then yelled profanities at me (I was driving) the entire time wasn’t really very kind, but I’ve learned that there are outliers in everything, right?  And the average of everyone is a whole lot of welcoming hearts and kind spirits.

There is so much good here.  It is still so hard.

It’s hard walking to the park knowing there won’t be a familiar face.  It’s hard not being able to just run to a familiar coffee shop.  It’s hardest seeing Harlow long for friends she can call by name and play with at the park — knowing in my heart that she will find them, but it’s hard to explain that to a 3 year old.

It’s hard, but there are so many things in life much, much harder.  So many things.  The longing for familiarity forces me to get out there, and each day I see more good.  Each day it gets easier.

Slowly but surely it’s turning into home.

xo